Trey was cast as Kurt Von Trapp in the upcoming CVHS production of The Sound of Music! We are so excited. He has been taking singing lessons since September with this musical in mind. Auditions were Friday and we were both so nervous. We got the call yesterday afternoon and I’m so giddy for him — these are the kinds of experiences you never forget!
Congratulations to my very animated, always singing and dancing boy!
Now, I’ve not been a very “good” blogger of late.
I’m 100% OK with this.
For a long time, I’ve been wanting to write a complete update …
I’m sitting perched on my exercise ball chair on this fine Monday and find myself in a rather reflective mood. I’m looking out at a beautiful blue sky and pristine white snow. The temperature is frigid and the wind cuts right through you, but it is warm inside my office, as long as my space heater is on and directed at me. I am filled with a wonderful sense of contentment and so I’m going to write and see how this goes. If you don’t read my blog regularly, this may not be a good post to start with! If you are a personal or virtual friend of mine, you may know that 2010 has been a challenging year of shifting priorities. Last year at this time, my home was decorated and my lists were complete but I was filled with anxiety. The harder I tried to be productive, the more frustrated I felt. I pushed through the season, hoping for a new-year reprieve from the daily uneasiness and dissatisfaction I felt.
January and February came and went while I persisted in rituals that have been helpful and healing in the past, but I couldn’t shake the overwhelming sense that something was wrong. I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t happy either. I thought perhaps it was a bad case of the winter blues. I felt a really deep kind of tired that couldn’t be fixed with sleep. Sleep in fact, was restless. I would fall into bed exhausted and begin to wake up between midnight and 2:00am. I would experience what can best be described as very shallow rest. My mind was awake and (most nights) could not be coaxed into calming down. When morning rolled around I would get up, but I was not refreshed. I generally fought the urge to go back to bed. I forced exercise, which was not invigorating or fun. I felt weak and I could NOT lose my holiday weight.
I marched through March with very little energy, even though there were new things on the horizon that should have given me the extra enthusiasm that comes with anticipation and preparation. I didn’t even find much relief in creating. I was immersed in teaching Library of Memories–I wondered if I had grown tired of that? By April I had made an appointment with my OB/GYN with hopes of discovering something I could blame with my general sense of lethargy. My blood tests all came back normal. I cried. I really wanted something to be wrong — even if it was depression, I was ready to know and know what to do. I hosted a really fun girls’ weekend at my house the weekend of May 1st. We ate and talked and attended a uplifting event and I felt good, but not better. On my birthday, I wrote this post. I’m so thankful for my blog that affords me the chance to look back with the 20/20 perspective that comes as the future unfolds.
In May I went back to my doctor. I told her there had to be something wrong. She reminded me that I have five children and a busy work schedule. She told me that at 45 I could very well be peri-menopausal (yippee!) and that the symptoms I described could last for six months or six years. I told her I couldn’t keep going for even six months and I broke down and cried. Embarrassing! At this point, she told me she could refer me to a pharmacy where I could meet with a functional medicine practitioner. Whatever that meant, I was game. She ordered a blood chemistry that looks closely at your hormone levels. I had to fill out about 14 pages of personal information and I wasn’t able to make an appointment until June 16th. I was so eager to find any kind of understanding or direction.
I wanted my husband to be excited for me–that I had somewhere to go and someone to talk to, but the physician in him was leery– and speaking of my husband, communication with him had all but ceased to exist, since I was so emotional, I bawled every time I tried to “talk.” I wanted him to magically see into my soul and be able to fix me — or at least see that I needed extra love and understanding and that I didn’t feel I was getting it. I was dealing with an almost constant stream of negative thoughts, assumptions and conversations in my head. It was utterly overwhelming.
On June 10th I had my blood drawn. On the 16th, I was informed that my hormones were out of whack. Really not good. In fact, Edie (the pharmacist) told me that I should feel …
1. really, really tired.
2. boarder-line depressed
3. like crying all the time
4. overwhelmed and dissatisfied
She told me my muscles should feel weak, my legs and arms tired and heavy and my overall outlook bleak. Oh the btw, I should NOT feel like having sex. She was right!
I won’t go into further detail, but I will say that I left Edie Ward’s office with bio-identical hormone replacements and more hope than I had felt for a really long time. Things didn’t get better overnight, but I felt I was on the mend and that was enough for me. I immediately went into summer planning mode thinking that with the help of these hormones, I could will myself well. Not so. July flew by, filled with family activities and finally I was home for a few straight weeks. After I had caught up on sleep, I began to do some research on my own. I wanted to know why my hormones had become so depleted. I began to read about something called Adrenal Fatigue and I found the Women to Women website and this book.
I returned to my new pharmacist friend, Edie and we talked for two hours!
She gave me a take-home saliva test that would help ascertain if I was indeed dealing with a depleted adrenal glands. I took the test, left on a weekend trip with Geoff and got a call from Edie en route. She essentially told me that I had it and that I had it bad! I returned home and started taking some supplements designed to support those poor little, overworked adrenal glands and with her help I started eating very differently. Within two weeks, I finally began to feel like Stacy again and I was so happy.
I headed into September full of anticipation. Clark and I joined members of my extended family to run The Red Rock Relay. We got home on a Sunday night and Geoff told me that the stake president wanted to visit with me. Now, for those unfamiliar with the organization of the Mormon church, a stake president oversees several wards or congregations. Generally, a request to visit with the stake president means a new calling and one on the stake level! I immediately asked Geoff if he had any idea what this was about (very often a new calling extended to woman is shared with her husband first, to make sure he is willing to support and sustain her.) Geoff assured me that this new job would be something I could handle. I reminded him that I still felt very fragile and was eager to get stronger and find a new normal before taking on something new or big. He said, “You will be fine.” Two days later I was called to be the stake young women’s president. I am fine, and I appreciate my husband’s faith in me, but this is a really big responsibility. I, along with three other women who were called to be my counselors and secretary now oversee the young women’s organization for our Spokane Valley stake, which consists of nine wards. Each ward has a ward young women’s president that is called to serve, teach and train young women within the geographical boundaries of her ward. Our job is to train and support these ward presidents and plan multi-stake activities for thousands of young women and youth in general between the ages of 12 and 18. I’m absolutely convinced that Heavenly Father loves His children because I’ve felt the peaceful reassurance that comes from the Holy Ghost and I’ve already had lots of impressions and ideas and direction. By the way, you can learn more about the young women’s program here.
It is interesting to me, that I chose S-L-O-W for my word in 2010.
For two or three years I’ve been praying and trying to figure out how to slow myself down a bit. I now look back on this year with awe and gratitude because I believe God is answering my prayers and facilitating my intention to go SLOW. In essence, my adrenal fatigue shut me down and forced me to take LOTS of things off my plate, so that I would in a position to accept a new “hefty” calling and shift my focus to things that are ultimately more important to me. I’m learning that “rock bottom” is a good foundation for a better version of yourself.
Ooops, gotta go.
I just had an opportunity to go to a friend in need, and I went!
Love that feeling.
This post is now to be continued later …
(thanks for making it this far!)